What do you do when you are broke into pieces? Find a smallest piece and become it. You will be whole again. When you are small, it is harder to be broken again.
I want to practice it. Less attachment, less expectation. When i become nothing, i will be totally free. I want to MOVE to desolve me. Move here means move. Every downward dog, every stretch, i move to desolve.
Feel the pain and desolve. Desolve, desolve and desolve!!!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Yoga practice ages nicely
It has been about 7 month since I practice Yoga. Now it is a smooth and enchanting experience. As my practicing aging, I am enjoying the Grace it brought out. It is my daily companion even including the days I did not get on the mat.
I do take some break when I have aching muscle but I can feel the yearning to go back to the practice. At beginning, my old else was keeping pushing myself to some new poses and progressing. Now I simply enjoy the journey and let it be. Surprisingly enough, I still continue to reach new surprises without my constant "pushing", grace simply leads me there. I am also very glad to name my kitty cat "Grace". She often hangs around the mat with me when I practice at home. She reminds me to "open to Grace".
I do take some break when I have aching muscle but I can feel the yearning to go back to the practice. At beginning, my old else was keeping pushing myself to some new poses and progressing. Now I simply enjoy the journey and let it be. Surprisingly enough, I still continue to reach new surprises without my constant "pushing", grace simply leads me there. I am also very glad to name my kitty cat "Grace". She often hangs around the mat with me when I practice at home. She reminds me to "open to Grace".
Monday, September 27, 2010
What is this "feeling sorry for yourself" business?
After the last post,I thought that I would have arrived at a peaceful place, but not. I got an email from my friend Sally, in it she quoted "the qualities that we see in others so readily or the ones we are triggered by the most intensely are precisely the ones we must examine within ourselves.".
Now that I think about it carefully: Was I just not able to forgive my mom or neighbours? Or was it something I have trouble dealing with? Sure enough, it is about the forgiveness. I have not been good at forgiving since I could ever remember. As mom would feel sorry for herself and lose sight of the beauty in her life, I am exactly the same. I have a beautiful and privileged life full of things I should be thankful for, but I let the sand in my eyes ruin many of my days. Did I know? I think that I did, it's just that I have difficulty to see the truth about myself or keep finding excuses for myself. Always other people's faults......
I find this distasteful but it is true. My blindness to the truth has given me way too much pain and does not have any redeeming quality to offer.
Before I read Sally's quote, I always tried to remind myself "if something in others bothers you deeply, it is the very thing you have to look within." yet I did not recognize it before I wrote the previous blog. Life never fails to laugh in my face if I think that I have learned. At least, another mystery unfolds itself. I am glad that my friend Sally points to me. Thank you, Sally! Thank you for watching out for me! I am looking forward to the tea we are going to have sometime soon.
Now that I think about it carefully: Was I just not able to forgive my mom or neighbours? Or was it something I have trouble dealing with? Sure enough, it is about the forgiveness. I have not been good at forgiving since I could ever remember. As mom would feel sorry for herself and lose sight of the beauty in her life, I am exactly the same. I have a beautiful and privileged life full of things I should be thankful for, but I let the sand in my eyes ruin many of my days. Did I know? I think that I did, it's just that I have difficulty to see the truth about myself or keep finding excuses for myself. Always other people's faults......
I find this distasteful but it is true. My blindness to the truth has given me way too much pain and does not have any redeeming quality to offer.
Before I read Sally's quote, I always tried to remind myself "if something in others bothers you deeply, it is the very thing you have to look within." yet I did not recognize it before I wrote the previous blog. Life never fails to laugh in my face if I think that I have learned. At least, another mystery unfolds itself. I am glad that my friend Sally points to me. Thank you, Sally! Thank you for watching out for me! I am looking forward to the tea we are going to have sometime soon.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I reflect
Last Saturday my spine was injured so I became immobile and rather dependant. Fortunately, my childhood friend John and his wife live upstairs. They have been really good at trucking me around to see the doctor and get stuff. As a result, we have also eaten most of our meals together. I have not used my Chinese language for so long with such intensity. I was persuaded to watch a Chinese movie called “TangShan Earthquake”. John and Sue have seen it twice and both of them cried watching it. They gave me an ipad with headset and a wet towel. I joked that I might not be able to cry and could be accused of being heartless. I watched the movie unsuspected thinking that not likely I would break down.
To my surprise, the movie touched me deeply. I covered my face and tried very hard to smother my bawling numerous times during the movie. Yes, I do occasionally cry in a good movie, but not really bawling. John and Sue expected tears but were surprised how strong I reacted. At the end of the movie, I also laughed that the main character married a westerner and moved to Vancouver with her daughter. I was shocked after the movie because I thought that I had dealt with most of my inner trouble and sorrow, but I was wrong. There is something I have hid well from myself. Just like the other day I wrote to Sally about not knowing myself.
I talked to John and Sue about my childhood. John knew me since I was three, but he never knew that I was deeply depressed because I never let anyone know. I resented people in Nanhui so I never made any endeavour to learn or speak the local dialect – Nanhui Hua, even though it was not a hard language to learn since I speak Shanghainese. It was my secret defence against people who had shown prejudice against me.
The fact that I was adopted was not a healthy topic amongst people who knew. It was a topic of gossip and it usually made the room silent when I walked into it. I was discriminated against because I was adopted. I could not get the truth out of anyone including my parents which made me subject to discrimination without any defense or comforting. As I learned the truth about the adoption, when I was almost 18, I was quite moved by the fact that my biological parents were willing to give me to my parents as a gift. I was moved by the friendship between 2 sets of parents and felt consolation even though I had to suffer the discrimination in my early years. In recent years, I discovered my mother’s inability to feel security of my love for her as a mother, she often vented on her sister (my birth mother) and me, and how my aunt (my birth mother) has been tiptoeing around her and tolerated her sister’s anger and unjust accusations. Even though I have a hard time to understand my mother’s insecurity, I have more trouble to see that my aunt quietly took in the anger and unjust accusations. I knew that she was suffering and hurt. I could not openly express my support so I took it all inside of me, which made it hard for me to forgive my mother’s behaviour. It has become unbearable for me that I have difficulty to phone my aunt to just chat. It’s too overwhelming hearing her voice but not being able to do much. It has been over 6 months since I spoke to her last, and it is getting even more difficult now to pick up the phone.
This was the first time I ever revealed this to a friend and now I even try to speak Nanhui Hua just for fun, something I have never done in my life. I am a queen of hiding my innermost feeling and now I am letting it out. Things I thought were humiliating and embarrassing. I ran away from China for that reason, I was running away from my memory. Now it is a global village and I can’t keep running away.
I was really lucky to have Daryl as my husband as he tolerated my baggage, anger and depression. He is very patient and he has given me room to come out of my own cocoon. Daryl told me the story about his god parents adopting a boy who had a terminal illness and gave him 15 beautiful years of life. In China, people in general have been so indoctrinated with passing on the family name, that adoption is now an embarrassment, instead of something utterly beautiful, a chance to show unconditioned love. Mom and dad, at that time, felt and maybe still feel sorry about their inability to have their own biological child. They neglected to see the unselfish love their sister and brother-in-law had shown them. I had a very hard time to accept that, more than the discrimination I received when I was little. I need to forgive my mother and love her in spite of this. I was hurt and I was not impressed, but more importantly I needed to forgive and accept people for who they were, as others accepted and loved me for who I was.
I often felt sorry that I was born because of all the suffering, but today I feel indeed fortunate.
To my surprise, the movie touched me deeply. I covered my face and tried very hard to smother my bawling numerous times during the movie. Yes, I do occasionally cry in a good movie, but not really bawling. John and Sue expected tears but were surprised how strong I reacted. At the end of the movie, I also laughed that the main character married a westerner and moved to Vancouver with her daughter. I was shocked after the movie because I thought that I had dealt with most of my inner trouble and sorrow, but I was wrong. There is something I have hid well from myself. Just like the other day I wrote to Sally about not knowing myself.
I talked to John and Sue about my childhood. John knew me since I was three, but he never knew that I was deeply depressed because I never let anyone know. I resented people in Nanhui so I never made any endeavour to learn or speak the local dialect – Nanhui Hua, even though it was not a hard language to learn since I speak Shanghainese. It was my secret defence against people who had shown prejudice against me.
The fact that I was adopted was not a healthy topic amongst people who knew. It was a topic of gossip and it usually made the room silent when I walked into it. I was discriminated against because I was adopted. I could not get the truth out of anyone including my parents which made me subject to discrimination without any defense or comforting. As I learned the truth about the adoption, when I was almost 18, I was quite moved by the fact that my biological parents were willing to give me to my parents as a gift. I was moved by the friendship between 2 sets of parents and felt consolation even though I had to suffer the discrimination in my early years. In recent years, I discovered my mother’s inability to feel security of my love for her as a mother, she often vented on her sister (my birth mother) and me, and how my aunt (my birth mother) has been tiptoeing around her and tolerated her sister’s anger and unjust accusations. Even though I have a hard time to understand my mother’s insecurity, I have more trouble to see that my aunt quietly took in the anger and unjust accusations. I knew that she was suffering and hurt. I could not openly express my support so I took it all inside of me, which made it hard for me to forgive my mother’s behaviour. It has become unbearable for me that I have difficulty to phone my aunt to just chat. It’s too overwhelming hearing her voice but not being able to do much. It has been over 6 months since I spoke to her last, and it is getting even more difficult now to pick up the phone.
This was the first time I ever revealed this to a friend and now I even try to speak Nanhui Hua just for fun, something I have never done in my life. I am a queen of hiding my innermost feeling and now I am letting it out. Things I thought were humiliating and embarrassing. I ran away from China for that reason, I was running away from my memory. Now it is a global village and I can’t keep running away.
I was really lucky to have Daryl as my husband as he tolerated my baggage, anger and depression. He is very patient and he has given me room to come out of my own cocoon. Daryl told me the story about his god parents adopting a boy who had a terminal illness and gave him 15 beautiful years of life. In China, people in general have been so indoctrinated with passing on the family name, that adoption is now an embarrassment, instead of something utterly beautiful, a chance to show unconditioned love. Mom and dad, at that time, felt and maybe still feel sorry about their inability to have their own biological child. They neglected to see the unselfish love their sister and brother-in-law had shown them. I had a very hard time to accept that, more than the discrimination I received when I was little. I need to forgive my mother and love her in spite of this. I was hurt and I was not impressed, but more importantly I needed to forgive and accept people for who they were, as others accepted and loved me for who I was.
I often felt sorry that I was born because of all the suffering, but today I feel indeed fortunate.
Monday, August 9, 2010
1st day of our trip to Paris
British air managed to make the seat at it's smallest yet have Vivian say that it was the best flight of her life. Well designed but truly the seat can not be any smaller to pass. No complaint but finding a position to snooze is not easy at all. I sort of shut eye for a few hours. Food was great and great service too. Touch screen mini screen was a hit. Watched "before sunrise" and "funny face". They both have Paris in them which make them more delightful especially when we were about to set foot on it for the very first time.
Paris airport reminds me of old shanghai airport 20 years ago. The funny part is that we both did not believe the custom was such a nonevent. The signs said "passport" and we originally thought we headed wrong line up till a airport staff redirect us. Line up was very quick and not much of French queuing. An office had nano second glancing on my passport and sent me on my way. We thought that it must be the pre-exam so expecting to see a custom lineup some where else. We were at luggage pickup which made us ponder why we need to pick up luggage before custom. Got our bags from the only conveyer there is we were suprised to see that we could exit right away. Wow! That was it? We were totally prepared for more.
Got a taxi outside and a Chinese guy picked us up. From the convrsation, he came in1975 from Lao. Vivian and I had a chat with him and viv got use her French. The taxi was reasonablely clean and the ride was smooth. We rode into downtown and I started to have this tight feeling in my heart and almost went teary. Here we are in Paris but I felt that it reminds me of my beloved old shanghai. I totally did not expect that. Too strange. Here I am, in a city I have never been to but then I felt that I grew up here. Weird but cool.
When we arrived our hotel and got off the taxi, vivian and I gave each other a high-five. Nice quient as we hoped for. The inn keeper was nice enough to have us pick out our room. We picked a cute room with balcony to the street.
We felt so accomplished. Here we are, in a foreign country but feel at "home" quickly. Not at home as in Vancouver, but at home as in old Shanghai. Brilliant! Room is small but tidy and clean. We are happy. Charged up the iPhone and was able to text Daryl right away. So painless. Coolio! We headed out to Hard Rock Cafe to exchange our Paris pass. We got to use the metro. Good thing we did, took us a runaround to head to the direction we wanted. It would certainly made it easy to figure our way tomorrow. Vivian was in charge. She speaks good Parisian French and I am quite happy to see her take the reponsibilty of getting direction and use her French. The metro system is quite impressive. It connects the city's every cornor and it seems to have about 100 years old history. Works like a charm and not too hard to figure out. Train comes frequently. Wonderful! We surfaced finnally and found our HRC not too far. We decided to walk back to hotel after and looked for a nice place to eat. We ate at bistrot victoire and had our giant salad. Daryl would love this salad which almost had a pound of meat in it. Walked by lourve and crossed seine. Watched people picnicking ont
the crossing. Fun! Lots of people sat on the floor and having wine, cheese etc.
Traffic was pleasantly not too crazy. I loved the big trees along the seine, at least a couple of hundred years old. Shaded the road nicely. Again, my old shanghai back in live. Of course the trees in shanghai were not as big and old, but I still saw the resemblance. Visit ing Paris is healing my pain of losing my old shanghai. Put it this way, it preserved my memory and made it very French. We marvelled at details of each every building and no modern ones to be seen. We are truly thankful. Although we did find a KFC, Mcdonalds and Starbucks, it did not overwelme us. Thank God!
We managed to run into a little street stuffed with bars, cafes and a ice cream store. We were quite full, but I really wanted a taste a French icecream. We had a scoop of two flavor each and sat by the side of road enjoying our delicacy. On our way, I also got a cresant froam a snack bar. Although I was truly full, I did not want to wait till tomorrow to taste it.
Our lovely hotel is nicely cental located and we can not be happier.
Day one comes to a nice ending.
Paris airport reminds me of old shanghai airport 20 years ago. The funny part is that we both did not believe the custom was such a nonevent. The signs said "passport" and we originally thought we headed wrong line up till a airport staff redirect us. Line up was very quick and not much of French queuing. An office had nano second glancing on my passport and sent me on my way. We thought that it must be the pre-exam so expecting to see a custom lineup some where else. We were at luggage pickup which made us ponder why we need to pick up luggage before custom. Got our bags from the only conveyer there is we were suprised to see that we could exit right away. Wow! That was it? We were totally prepared for more.
Got a taxi outside and a Chinese guy picked us up. From the convrsation, he came in1975 from Lao. Vivian and I had a chat with him and viv got use her French. The taxi was reasonablely clean and the ride was smooth. We rode into downtown and I started to have this tight feeling in my heart and almost went teary. Here we are in Paris but I felt that it reminds me of my beloved old shanghai. I totally did not expect that. Too strange. Here I am, in a city I have never been to but then I felt that I grew up here. Weird but cool.
When we arrived our hotel and got off the taxi, vivian and I gave each other a high-five. Nice quient as we hoped for. The inn keeper was nice enough to have us pick out our room. We picked a cute room with balcony to the street.
We felt so accomplished. Here we are, in a foreign country but feel at "home" quickly. Not at home as in Vancouver, but at home as in old Shanghai. Brilliant! Room is small but tidy and clean. We are happy. Charged up the iPhone and was able to text Daryl right away. So painless. Coolio! We headed out to Hard Rock Cafe to exchange our Paris pass. We got to use the metro. Good thing we did, took us a runaround to head to the direction we wanted. It would certainly made it easy to figure our way tomorrow. Vivian was in charge. She speaks good Parisian French and I am quite happy to see her take the reponsibilty of getting direction and use her French. The metro system is quite impressive. It connects the city's every cornor and it seems to have about 100 years old history. Works like a charm and not too hard to figure out. Train comes frequently. Wonderful! We surfaced finnally and found our HRC not too far. We decided to walk back to hotel after and looked for a nice place to eat. We ate at bistrot victoire and had our giant salad. Daryl would love this salad which almost had a pound of meat in it. Walked by lourve and crossed seine. Watched people picnicking ont
the crossing. Fun! Lots of people sat on the floor and having wine, cheese etc.
Traffic was pleasantly not too crazy. I loved the big trees along the seine, at least a couple of hundred years old. Shaded the road nicely. Again, my old shanghai back in live. Of course the trees in shanghai were not as big and old, but I still saw the resemblance. Visit ing Paris is healing my pain of losing my old shanghai. Put it this way, it preserved my memory and made it very French. We marvelled at details of each every building and no modern ones to be seen. We are truly thankful. Although we did find a KFC, Mcdonalds and Starbucks, it did not overwelme us. Thank God!
We managed to run into a little street stuffed with bars, cafes and a ice cream store. We were quite full, but I really wanted a taste a French icecream. We had a scoop of two flavor each and sat by the side of road enjoying our delicacy. On our way, I also got a cresant froam a snack bar. Although I was truly full, I did not want to wait till tomorrow to taste it.
Our lovely hotel is nicely cental located and we can not be happier.
Day one comes to a nice ending.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
a calm morning
It was the first time I took Elena's class in my Zen room, so today is the inauguration of my yoga practice in Zen room. It is unusual that I did not go to Yaletown studio for practice when I am in Vancouver. John, Sue and George are still sound in sleep and hopefully that they will recover from long flight nicely. To have them here is like to have a piece of old home back, my old Shanghai. Our friendship has lasted almost 4 decades so far. What a treat to have gift like this! We are living in a very transient society. The everyone knows everyone's days are in remote distance. In Nanhui (a town at suburb of Shanghai) where I grew up, it was a community. We know so many people and so many people know us, no one really moved so you could go visit someone in the same place for a long time. We seems to take roots that way. John's parents know my parents so the little John came for visit with his parents when he was 3. John had a hanker chief pined to his vest. Bright big eyes. The image of John as a 3-years-old coming visit at our home is so vivid that I can still remember the furniture, the lighting at our home at that time. Mind you, I was only 3 too. I don't know if I remembered anything else when I was 3, but that I do remember that night, just like John remembering our talk with Vivian when she was 8 at our living room about sharing. 3-4 hours marathon discussion with Vivian resulting she refused to share her room with George (8 years-old too). It went way past midnight. Daryl and I did not stop until we were sure that the sharing idea had burnt a hole in her brain and would stay. Well, it burnt a hole in John and Sue's brains too. Although it was not intended, it is quite fascinating to hear they talk about that night many times over to us and to their friends. The ripple effect! I am reminded that everything we do has an effect, a far reaching effect, farther than we can ever imagine. Be aware of what we do and should do at all time. If we like the world change for better, it does not come through major revolution, it comes from everyone of us be mindful of what we do and how we do.
Today's practice was very serene. I also sits in the prayer position long after the session was finished. I am growing roots because I feel my body is so grounded.
Namaste!
Today's practice was very serene. I also sits in the prayer position long after the session was finished. I am growing roots because I feel my body is so grounded.
Namaste!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
John's arrival
Today is the day John and his family moving to Vancouver finally. I was very happy to know that they are coming but I also have been stressed over the whole thing. What if they don't like here? What if what have prepared isn't good enough? What if? What if? All sort of things have gone through my mind, some are good, some terrifies me. Even on the way to airport, I was still a bit worried. I even brought a book to calm my mind. I have not even get to the page, saw John and Sue pushing the carts out of the door. Yay, they are here! Hugs and greetings! We took the limo to downtown, sending John and Sue through memory lane. It was 8 years ago when they first came to Vancouver and they "accused" me who has "seduced" them to Canada. It slowly worked ways into their mind. Well, I am happy to hear that. Long slow process!
I was so released that they were not turned off by the construction and even happier to hear they shouting in excitement when they walked into the new home I prepared for them. A huge release, all my worries went out the window. They feel home here! The best thing I could ever hope for. It was way better than what I have imagined. Of course I was perinoyed (I can't spell!!). We then went out bought the beds, got John a new iphone, had dinner at Kiisu which they loved, finished off with grocery shopping at Urban Fair and came home to relax. We now retreated to our rooms and I am feeling so accomplished. John has brought something for me, he has brought me openness, totally harmonious without doubt close friendship. Home is becoming this round circle. He has brought a piece of old Shanghai I have been missing so much, my old home. What a lovely feeling! Life is soooooo good to me. I must have done something good.
I was so released that they were not turned off by the construction and even happier to hear they shouting in excitement when they walked into the new home I prepared for them. A huge release, all my worries went out the window. They feel home here! The best thing I could ever hope for. It was way better than what I have imagined. Of course I was perinoyed (I can't spell!!). We then went out bought the beds, got John a new iphone, had dinner at Kiisu which they loved, finished off with grocery shopping at Urban Fair and came home to relax. We now retreated to our rooms and I am feeling so accomplished. John has brought something for me, he has brought me openness, totally harmonious without doubt close friendship. Home is becoming this round circle. He has brought a piece of old Shanghai I have been missing so much, my old home. What a lovely feeling! Life is soooooo good to me. I must have done something good.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)